Memories all alone in the moon light

I used to be scared of the garbage man
and fireworks
but one night my mom told me to stay inside because fireworks where going to be shot off
she sent me to bed
I crawled out my window and on to the roof to watch them

I  remember crying when my two best friends stopped talking to me at school
That was the day I got in my first fight
I got hit in the back with a bike chain so I punched them in them in the gut

How to be an outcast at lone peak

I stopped curling my hair everyday
I never seem to shop at the right stores
I cry in the hallways
and the bathroom
and my classrooms
My car is invisible
I wear long sleeves everyday to hide my scars
I can't draw
my handwriting is about as cute as a 2nd grade boy
I don't fit in here
or anywhere really
Friday night consists of watching tv shows and eating mac and cheese
and dating is a foreign concept
so sorry
but I'm not changing

Ikea, Boys, and Green Chili Enchiladas

When things go wrong it's not even a surprise to me anymore....it's more of a 

"Ha!,told you can't do anything."

What ever.

I can make some sick enchiladas so suck it world

but when I get something right I have to take a step back and make sure its real life

Why would I get something right?

I screw up everything I touch

When I got asked to prom last year I almost died of shock

when I had fun at prom I felt like maybe I was actually like-able

but prom's not every night

and I spent 16 hours trying to put together a dresser from Ikea and I just gave up

well kinda

I told my dad I had women problems and I couldn't finish it and he bought it because I'm pretty sure he didn't want to press the issue
He does that a lot 

and I lie a lot so that makes us even

maybe I should try reading the instructions instead of throwing them across the room

nah.

life's more fun when you don't know hats coming next

but if I read the instructions I might get things right.....

Right?

My eyes are just sweating

this is hard to write 

because I'm sitting next to the guy I like and I don't want to cry in front of him. again.

I should have used the sticky notes 

but obviously I didn't 

I got too caught up in the end I didn't think that I should stay.

I didn't think of my family and how they would have to use the other plot in the cemetery so soon.

I didn't think of my best friend and how it would destroy her

I was selfish

I didn't do it though......

I was shipped away and pumped full of meds to try to "Stabilize" me

They told me how to cope and made me use a spork for everything

and It was supposed to help me get better but all I could think about was school and how much I was missing

And my guardian angel is with me now

holding my hand making me stronger

I feel different 

I feel like someone else

But that's okay

It's about time I became like everyone else

Right?

I see your fake smile

Because believe me darling, I know that smile. I know what it feels like to reply, "I'm good."
when someone asks how you are. But not because you're good, because you're just so
used to saying it, that you don't even think about it anymore. You don't even realize the
question that's being asked. Your response is just so rehearsed, that it comes out with no
effort. Just like that beautiful smile, darling. It breaks your heart to lie to those you love. It's
so to tell them everything is perfectly fine. But it's even harder to tell them the truth
You don't want to be in such a vulnerable state. You can't handle that kind of pity. But you
gotta believe me when I tell you, darling, you're not alone. I'm here for you. I understand
that reflection you see every night. The one you don't even recognize anymore. That same
smile you've been wearing for years to fool everyone into thinking you're fine, has
finally fooled you, just for that split second, when you look in the mirror and see that
stranger smiling back at you, you believe it. You actually think you might be happy. But
then, your heart starts to hurt, your body starts to ache, and tears start to flood, and all the
memories come back. You're not okay. You're not happy. You're dying from the inside out,
and nobody bothers to notice. You feel like you're alone and every one has given up on
you. But you have to believe me, you're not alone, darling. I'm here. I'm right here holding
your hand. I'm rubbing your back as you cry on my shoulder. Even if you can't see me, or
hear me, I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere.

So.......Its not you

You laughed when I cried during my favorite TV show
I don't talk to you anymore
my dad asks me why I don't hang out with my friends anymore
I tell him I have homework
truth is I don't like pretending anymore
Alone is what I have
Alone protects me

i give up

this is starting to collect dust

even if I don't know if angels exist and heaven is real I still need to tell you something

I miss you, a lot, it hurts so bad right now, but I keep smiling because I know you loved my smile.

Some nights I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about you and my head becomes a real mess

just like this night

I am always wondering how the day would have been if you where alive.

Anyway, I just want you to know that sometimes if I cry, even if I am sad or mad at everyone

Don't worry

I am still happy because life goes on even without you by my side

this isn't the end of our story

it's just a long break

I love you

don't forget it

or me

Buried in the snow

I hate you sometimes
I hate you for leaving me with him after you promised you wouldn't
I hate how you didn't want to leave but it was beyond your control
I hate that I couldn't see you that one last time
I hate how I still hear my brother telling me that you had gone and I feel guilty for falling asleep
I hate how cold it was because I wanted to be warm but my heart was broken and I had never so cold
I hate the emptiness I feel and how quite the house is now
I hate how everyone seems to have forgotten you and I still cry about it every night

I hate how much I love you and how much I want to see you 

I hate how the only thing keeping me from you is me 

I hate you sometimes but most of the time I don't

I love you and it makes my heart bleed and it hasn't stopped for two years. 

Star Bright

I don't know why I'm here again

wishing on you

you've never worked before and I've almost given up hope on you

but I don't know where else to turn

Star Bright star light first star I see tonight I wish I may I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight

It's been a while and I've grown up

but I need your help

give me this one wish

one time

I won't bother you ever again

I promise

please

just this one 

tiny

unimportant wish

Once they all believed in dragons

Once they all believed in dragons

When the world was fresh and new

We were woven into legends 

Tales were told songs were sung

We were treated with abeyance
We were honored
We were feared

Then one day they stopped believing
On that day we disappeared
Now they say our time is over
Now they say we've lived our last
Now we're treated with derision where once we ruled unsurpassed
We must Make them remember
In some way we must reveal that our spirit lives forever
  
WE ARE DRAGONS
WE ARE REAL-Jack Prelutsky

If every day since you left was a short poem

I. 
I'm a car stuck in reverse
because you're in my rear view 
mirror. 

II.
The merry-go-round
spun until it stopped. 
I wondered if it was only merry
while turning and what to
call it when it wasn't. 

III. 
You're a ghost town
full of people. 

IV. 
Your phone rings until it doesn't. 
My heart breaks at the tone. 

V. 
Cigarettes, like everything,
turn to ash
in the end.

Dreams Dreams Dreams

I[Lady Gaga]
Tonight I want you to free yourself, I want you to let go of anyone or anything that’s ever made you feel like you don’t belong, or don’t fit in, I want you to regret any person that’s ever made you feel like your not good enough or thin enough, or pretty enough, or can’t sing well enough, or write well enough, or that your never be great in your life, you just remember, your a god damn superstar and you were born this way.

Viva La Revolution

Dear Death,

We are no longer afraid of you, you`re shadow that used to haunt our nightmares have been light up by your constant appearance and you have shown your face too many times to remain unknown. We will not live our life's afraid...YOU ARE NOT A THREAT TO US WE CAN ACHIEVE ANYTHING WE DREAM NO LONGER DO WE WAIT YOUR APPROVAL 

Death

One died for power 

One Died for love

One greeted death like an old friend

Phobophobia

I'm afraid of burnt cookies

I'm afraid of that one other teenager in the grocery store

I'm afraid of my hair strangling me at night

I'm afraid of not being able to outrun the serial killer that's chasing

I'm afraid of becoming that stupid girl in a horror movie that makes every possible mistake and every one wants her to die

I'm afraid of forgetting my pants and going to school

I'm afraid of the faces in between the trees

 mostly I fear my fear is going to rule me
ruin relationships
ruin me

Fear

2. Arthur C. Clarke - "Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying."
   

   

   
   

   

   
   

   
   

   The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown” 
   ― H.P. Lovecraft, Supernatural Horror in Literature

   
   

The Canal

Don't you EVER go near the canal

you can die in about 5 seconds no matter how strong a swimmer you think you are
people die every year.

I had nightmares almost every night about getting sucked into the canal behind my house so I would never go within 10 feet of it, and if I ever saw anyone get near it I would run and grab the nearest adult and cry until the person left the canal.
Even after I moved across the country I still feared it, until I found out that they had paved over it.

and just like that my nightmares stopped

well....at least the ones about the canal

I still feared heights 

and bears

and killer land sharks

and dinosaurs 

But I was the cool fearless 2nd grader and pink is a stupid color

hopscotch is for weenies 

and I can ride my scooter like a boss

3rd grade I was the best two hand touch football player

but I never learned how to play patty cake 

or braid hair

I don't wish I was a girly girl 

hell I'm still awesome

but you know maybe I should have taken a peak into the canal

Our Love Song Is Never On The Radio

We didn't fall in love the second we saw each other

We shared something special and I couldn't get you out of my head

I blamed it on puberty and tried to forget you, it worked for most of the summer
then school started again and I swear you went out of your way to run into me

You took me to the haunted circus and we made at least two kids pee their pants
I took you to see the lights at the temple and our group got lost because they wouldn't listen to me
even you said it was the wrong way
I was right.

When we shared our first kiss I was left breathless
The Christmas dance was truly magical
You asked me to officially be yours

We were unstoppable

until fear and doubt crept into my mind
I pushed you away and ran in the opposite direction
only to find that no matter where I would run
the path only brought me to you

Time passed and we fought each other
until
there were only
shreds
of us
left

I had given up on you.

I still loved you

I missed you
 Working together we slowly built back something more beautiful than
what we had before

We are as close as two people can be
You know all my secrets
I know all of yours

I'm not sure if it's love
but this is what I pray love feels like
being so comfortable with a person you dream about
sitting on a hammock just.... sitting

So here's to us....Being the best friend we could possibly be
Here's to our love song that's too powerful to be put on any radio sation
here's to the one a.m talks about the future
Here's to you putting up with me
here's to me for trusting you fully again

Just a quote

I know how you look into the mirror and hate who you see, and to you I say: It gets better.

smeagol and thunderstorms

When my brothers played fellowship of the ring they never let me play. 

so I became smeagol and followed them around trying to steal my plastic ring back from them

thunderstorms scared me so I would crawl under my bed with my 200 stuffed animals and cry

in fact most loud noises scared me, the garbage man, fireworks, and my parents fighting

the world was my canvas and each day I would create a new reality 

I became a pirate, a mermaid, an outlaw, and the sheriff (sometimes all in one day)

I went to sleep early and woke up as the sun was rising just to fight along side of the power rangers

There was no such thing as heartbreak (unless we ran out of ice cream) 

the worst pain I could feel was falling off my bike or roller blades 

If  I made a mistake I could grab a new piece of paper

Homework took 10 min then I could go join the game of baseball in my cul-d-sac until the street lamps came on and it was dinner time

Rain would mean indoor recess and board games

snow was snowmen and sledding

wind and kites

Santa couldn't come fast enough 

nap time sucked

all I wanted was to grow up

I did..would I be proud of who I am now?

Thoughts During Math

I've always hated math. Ever since they took away the shapes and fun word problems and decided to put in the alphabet (thanks Satan) maybe it wouldn't be as bad if the teacher didn't make us show all of our work. I know how I did it and I got the right answer so back off. Secondly don't get mad at me for doodling on the paper, if I want to draw Godzilla destroying a city in the margins of my math homework who cares, this class is boring and you've been going off about combining terms for the last forty five minutes and all I want to do right now is eat the pop tart in my backpack but I can' because food is a distraction. I WOKE UP AT 7 A.M BECAUSE I WAS UP UNTIL 3 TRYING TO FINISH THE HOMEWORK YOU AND EVERY OTHER TEACHER GAVE ME, RUSHING OUT THE DOOR GRABBING A POP TART ON THE WAY OUT AND BARELY MADE IT TO  CLASS ON TIME...NO I CANNOT WAIT FOR LUNCH JUST LET ME EAT IT. Seriously my hand was not up do not call on me. If I knew the answer my hand would be up but is it? No. Humiliating me in front of the whole class won't "teach me a lesson" it will make me want to murder you. When my hand is up then its safe to say I want to participate, why do you go out of your way to make the whole class uncomfortable, are you not here to help us. Good thing math is first thing in the morning right? The only thing that makes it bearable is the sarcasm of the whole class working together as one to slightly lighten the mood. There is no social ladder in math class we are all pheasants against the cruel dictator, we all have one purpose, to pass the class so that we can graduate, our conversations never are about the topic we should be discussing, I'm pretty sure I heard some people discussing their zombie apocalypse plans, amateurs, you don't hide in a major city, you hide away from civilization with your rations and your carefully selected team, and weapons lots of weapons, you'll need knives and a shotgun at least. You need to be fit so you can outrun zombies, and you'll need a box of Twinkies. I guess math is like an underground creative outlet, you're supposed to be working on variables but instead you're writing a 200 page novel about a futuristic society where robots have taken over and human contact is illegal and you have to meet your lover in an alley at midnight just to give them a hug or hold their hand, and forget about kissing.
If I ever became a famous author or comic book artist I would probably owe all my math teachers for boring me so badly.  This class still has almost an hour left, and cue the dying whale noises from my stomach. That pop tart would taste so good right now I'm going to sneak it...screw everything. Don't judge I live on the edge. Cough. Cough. Mission accomplished. At least the whale noises stopped, tome for the old slip headphone up the hoodie sleeve. Do not sing along. I hate this song, I wonder what would happen if I met Justin Beiber. I hope I could annoy him as much as he annoys me, I should tie him up and force him to listen to his own music (maniacal laughter) I should be an actor in the next high school musical and every time they all break out in song just run around screaming acting like I had no idea what was going on, I'd watch that. Ew are they still a couple, I'm so lonely, I don't need anyone I'm too cool for ever one here. How fast could I eat a big mac my last record was 54 seconds I need to beat that. Skip this song when did I even put that on my ipod? Why do we have three pages of homework? How much would it cost to fake my death....I need more money so I can buy that shirt. I need more friends I should be ruler of this schoo-Thank god its the bell.

Here I am, human and me.

Every day I am reminded of how human I am. I feel it when I see the cute couples holding hands in the hallway, I feel it when I see a happy family together, but I also know how human I am when my little sister crawls into my bed at night because she had a nightmare and I hold her until she can fall asleep again. Being a human means taking those emotions and all the beauty we see and creating something wonderful, not wallowing in pity and succumbing to hatred. Let the world know that yes you are here and you have things to teach everyone and you're unique and you're not going anywhere. Yell when you need to, cry when you want, because maybe your voice is the one that we need so that we can be heard. Ignore people who tell you to turn down your music, throw away the magazines that make you feel ugly and fat, you can eat that triple cheeseburger, listen to that band, wear that shirt, because if that's what makes you who you are then keep on doing it. Anyone or anything who you let change you is taking away your humanity and turning you into what they want and they win. Fight back. 

Intro

As I sit alone at lunch re-writing my intro because it couldn't be read with my back round I re-think what I wrote and I second guess my writing abilities. I wish the thoughts in my head could flow easier through my hands and onto the blog, although if my true thoughts where expressed who would look at me the same way? I know I wouldn't, but seeing as how no one knows who I am right now maybe I'll allow a few things to slip out unedited and you can get a small glimpse into my beautifully twisted mind.