(Re)

I lay awake at night rethinking every moment we shared

our permanent farewell is replaying in my mind

and I'm remembering 

and rewriting 

and re- re- redoing the last few moments I had with you

Memories all alone in the moon light

I used to be scared of the garbage man
and fireworks
but one night my mom told me to stay inside because fireworks where going to be shot off
she sent me to bed
I crawled out my window and on to the roof to watch them

I  remember crying when my two best friends stopped talking to me at school
That was the day I got in my first fight
I got hit in the back with a bike chain so I punched them in them in the gut

How to be an outcast at lone peak

I stopped curling my hair everyday
I never seem to shop at the right stores
I cry in the hallways
and the bathroom
and my classrooms
My car is invisible
I wear long sleeves everyday to hide my scars
I can't draw
my handwriting is about as cute as a 2nd grade boy
I don't fit in here
or anywhere really
Friday night consists of watching tv shows and eating mac and cheese
and dating is a foreign concept
so sorry
but I'm not changing

Ikea, Boys, and Green Chili Enchiladas

When things go wrong it's not even a surprise to me anymore....it's more of a 

"Ha!,told you can't do anything."

What ever.

I can make some sick enchiladas so suck it world

but when I get something right I have to take a step back and make sure its real life

Why would I get something right?

I screw up everything I touch

When I got asked to prom last year I almost died of shock

when I had fun at prom I felt like maybe I was actually like-able

but prom's not every night

and I spent 16 hours trying to put together a dresser from Ikea and I just gave up

well kinda

I told my dad I had women problems and I couldn't finish it and he bought it because I'm pretty sure he didn't want to press the issue
He does that a lot 

and I lie a lot so that makes us even

maybe I should try reading the instructions instead of throwing them across the room

nah.

life's more fun when you don't know hats coming next

but if I read the instructions I might get things right.....

Right?

My eyes are just sweating

this is hard to write 

because I'm sitting next to the guy I like and I don't want to cry in front of him. again.

I should have used the sticky notes 

but obviously I didn't 

I got too caught up in the end I didn't think that I should stay.

I didn't think of my family and how they would have to use the other plot in the cemetery so soon.

I didn't think of my best friend and how it would destroy her

I was selfish

I didn't do it though......

I was shipped away and pumped full of meds to try to "Stabilize" me

They told me how to cope and made me use a spork for everything

and It was supposed to help me get better but all I could think about was school and how much I was missing

And my guardian angel is with me now

holding my hand making me stronger

I feel different 

I feel like someone else

But that's okay

It's about time I became like everyone else

Right?

I see your fake smile

Because believe me darling, I know that smile. I know what it feels like to reply, "I'm good."
when someone asks how you are. But not because you're good, because you're just so
used to saying it, that you don't even think about it anymore. You don't even realize the
question that's being asked. Your response is just so rehearsed, that it comes out with no
effort. Just like that beautiful smile, darling. It breaks your heart to lie to those you love. It's
so to tell them everything is perfectly fine. But it's even harder to tell them the truth
You don't want to be in such a vulnerable state. You can't handle that kind of pity. But you
gotta believe me when I tell you, darling, you're not alone. I'm here for you. I understand
that reflection you see every night. The one you don't even recognize anymore. That same
smile you've been wearing for years to fool everyone into thinking you're fine, has
finally fooled you, just for that split second, when you look in the mirror and see that
stranger smiling back at you, you believe it. You actually think you might be happy. But
then, your heart starts to hurt, your body starts to ache, and tears start to flood, and all the
memories come back. You're not okay. You're not happy. You're dying from the inside out,
and nobody bothers to notice. You feel like you're alone and every one has given up on
you. But you have to believe me, you're not alone, darling. I'm here. I'm right here holding
your hand. I'm rubbing your back as you cry on my shoulder. Even if you can't see me, or
hear me, I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere.