My eyes are just sweating

this is hard to write 

because I'm sitting next to the guy I like and I don't want to cry in front of him. again.

I should have used the sticky notes 

but obviously I didn't 

I got too caught up in the end I didn't think that I should stay.

I didn't think of my family and how they would have to use the other plot in the cemetery so soon.

I didn't think of my best friend and how it would destroy her

I was selfish

I didn't do it though......

I was shipped away and pumped full of meds to try to "Stabilize" me

They told me how to cope and made me use a spork for everything

and It was supposed to help me get better but all I could think about was school and how much I was missing

And my guardian angel is with me now

holding my hand making me stronger

I feel different 

I feel like someone else

But that's okay

It's about time I became like everyone else

Right?

I see your fake smile

Because believe me darling, I know that smile. I know what it feels like to reply, "I'm good."
when someone asks how you are. But not because you're good, because you're just so
used to saying it, that you don't even think about it anymore. You don't even realize the
question that's being asked. Your response is just so rehearsed, that it comes out with no
effort. Just like that beautiful smile, darling. It breaks your heart to lie to those you love. It's
so to tell them everything is perfectly fine. But it's even harder to tell them the truth
You don't want to be in such a vulnerable state. You can't handle that kind of pity. But you
gotta believe me when I tell you, darling, you're not alone. I'm here for you. I understand
that reflection you see every night. The one you don't even recognize anymore. That same
smile you've been wearing for years to fool everyone into thinking you're fine, has
finally fooled you, just for that split second, when you look in the mirror and see that
stranger smiling back at you, you believe it. You actually think you might be happy. But
then, your heart starts to hurt, your body starts to ache, and tears start to flood, and all the
memories come back. You're not okay. You're not happy. You're dying from the inside out,
and nobody bothers to notice. You feel like you're alone and every one has given up on
you. But you have to believe me, you're not alone, darling. I'm here. I'm right here holding
your hand. I'm rubbing your back as you cry on my shoulder. Even if you can't see me, or
hear me, I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere.

So.......Its not you

You laughed when I cried during my favorite TV show
I don't talk to you anymore
my dad asks me why I don't hang out with my friends anymore
I tell him I have homework
truth is I don't like pretending anymore
Alone is what I have
Alone protects me

i give up

this is starting to collect dust

even if I don't know if angels exist and heaven is real I still need to tell you something

I miss you, a lot, it hurts so bad right now, but I keep smiling because I know you loved my smile.

Some nights I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about you and my head becomes a real mess

just like this night

I am always wondering how the day would have been if you where alive.

Anyway, I just want you to know that sometimes if I cry, even if I am sad or mad at everyone

Don't worry

I am still happy because life goes on even without you by my side

this isn't the end of our story

it's just a long break

I love you

don't forget it

or me