You call this love?

I've made up so many excuses for you and I've tried to pretend that you were just going through a rough time and maybe that's why you treated me like that. 

I thought that if I put up with you that it would all go away because in the end love conquers all. 

But there was a line and you crossed that  10 miles ago. 

I hate to think about every second I would waste crying in the mirror wishing I was pretty enough and thin enough for you to love me

And you know what I never will be.

I'm not that girl that you're going to marry and I'll spend everyday cooking and cleaning for you. 

I'm not going to wear the clothes that you think I'd look best in and I'm not sorry that my stomach isn't flat and my makeup isn't done right. 

I'm done wasting my affection on someone who is in love with the idea of who I could be. 

"My atoms feel
weirdly disorganized.”
And dust is falling. 
I think if dust touched me
I would 
become nuclear
and destroy. 
The world is harsh today. 
I am dry kindling, 
and outside it is a fire.
My hands are buzzing
between themselves,
having little conversations
that my ears
cannot pick up on. 
They do not feel like my own.

There is still the stairwell. 
There are still robins
that tarry at the edges of puddles.
There is still the light, 
and dust falls through the light,
and dust does not touch me,
and dust does not become me.
I am walking with the world,
and somehow I am not burning. 
My blood has taken to whispering.
The wind has taken to sighing,
combing its hair, creating currents.
The sky says “Calm down. 
Your atoms will fall 
into place again. 
The state of your heart changes
from storm to stillness. 
You must remember this.”

I breathe, 
and it feels like I am breathing. 
The hoarse voice of memory
murmurs now. 
I breathe, 
and it feels like I am breathing. 
My fingertips touch 
and it feels like they are kissing. 
I may be kindling, 
but somehow I am not burning.

hope

It will not stay
This way
Forever
And these words
Are nothing
But a cliché
That’s been said
A few too many times
Irrelevant and overworked.
It will not stay 
This way
Forever
But for now
I am writhing in the
Agony of existence
And nobody knows
How very non-
Melodramatic 
I am being. 
The real truth is
I don’t care about
Forever
When I can barely cope 
With Now.
But I’m trying
I’m always trying 
And Oh God
I pray
It will not stay
This way
Forever.

Twist and shout

shakes at diners

record players

noodles with butter

bike races 

the empty lot behind my apartment

numbers on T.v

airports

gunfire

so much blood

my picture hidden

you came home

but you were still stuck over there

you left me

but I still care

our hearts beat as one

the ghost of you stood by my side

as the darkness tried to consume me

Your voice rang through

my

mind

your strength became mine

because of you 

I made it back to 

 the 

light

Hush Child

I know a place of fantasy

where the moon and the stars all dance

but now it rains no more

beyond repair its corrupted

by blood

malice

and gore

(Re)

I lay awake at night rethinking every moment we shared

our permanent farewell is replaying in my mind

and I'm remembering 

and rewriting 

and re- re- redoing the last few moments I had with you

Memories all alone in the moon light

I used to be scared of the garbage man
and fireworks
but one night my mom told me to stay inside because fireworks where going to be shot off
she sent me to bed
I crawled out my window and on to the roof to watch them

I  remember crying when my two best friends stopped talking to me at school
That was the day I got in my first fight
I got hit in the back with a bike chain so I punched them in them in the gut

How to be an outcast at lone peak

I stopped curling my hair everyday
I never seem to shop at the right stores
I cry in the hallways
and the bathroom
and my classrooms
My car is invisible
I wear long sleeves everyday to hide my scars
I can't draw
my handwriting is about as cute as a 2nd grade boy
I don't fit in here
or anywhere really
Friday night consists of watching tv shows and eating mac and cheese
and dating is a foreign concept
so sorry
but I'm not changing

Ikea, Boys, and Green Chili Enchiladas

When things go wrong it's not even a surprise to me anymore....it's more of a 

"Ha!,told you can't do anything."

What ever.

I can make some sick enchiladas so suck it world

but when I get something right I have to take a step back and make sure its real life

Why would I get something right?

I screw up everything I touch

When I got asked to prom last year I almost died of shock

when I had fun at prom I felt like maybe I was actually like-able

but prom's not every night

and I spent 16 hours trying to put together a dresser from Ikea and I just gave up

well kinda

I told my dad I had women problems and I couldn't finish it and he bought it because I'm pretty sure he didn't want to press the issue
He does that a lot 

and I lie a lot so that makes us even

maybe I should try reading the instructions instead of throwing them across the room

nah.

life's more fun when you don't know hats coming next

but if I read the instructions I might get things right.....

Right?

My eyes are just sweating

this is hard to write 

because I'm sitting next to the guy I like and I don't want to cry in front of him. again.

I should have used the sticky notes 

but obviously I didn't 

I got too caught up in the end I didn't think that I should stay.

I didn't think of my family and how they would have to use the other plot in the cemetery so soon.

I didn't think of my best friend and how it would destroy her

I was selfish

I didn't do it though......

I was shipped away and pumped full of meds to try to "Stabilize" me

They told me how to cope and made me use a spork for everything

and It was supposed to help me get better but all I could think about was school and how much I was missing

And my guardian angel is with me now

holding my hand making me stronger

I feel different 

I feel like someone else

But that's okay

It's about time I became like everyone else

Right?

I see your fake smile

Because believe me darling, I know that smile. I know what it feels like to reply, "I'm good."
when someone asks how you are. But not because you're good, because you're just so
used to saying it, that you don't even think about it anymore. You don't even realize the
question that's being asked. Your response is just so rehearsed, that it comes out with no
effort. Just like that beautiful smile, darling. It breaks your heart to lie to those you love. It's
so to tell them everything is perfectly fine. But it's even harder to tell them the truth
You don't want to be in such a vulnerable state. You can't handle that kind of pity. But you
gotta believe me when I tell you, darling, you're not alone. I'm here for you. I understand
that reflection you see every night. The one you don't even recognize anymore. That same
smile you've been wearing for years to fool everyone into thinking you're fine, has
finally fooled you, just for that split second, when you look in the mirror and see that
stranger smiling back at you, you believe it. You actually think you might be happy. But
then, your heart starts to hurt, your body starts to ache, and tears start to flood, and all the
memories come back. You're not okay. You're not happy. You're dying from the inside out,
and nobody bothers to notice. You feel like you're alone and every one has given up on
you. But you have to believe me, you're not alone, darling. I'm here. I'm right here holding
your hand. I'm rubbing your back as you cry on my shoulder. Even if you can't see me, or
hear me, I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere.

So.......Its not you

You laughed when I cried during my favorite TV show
I don't talk to you anymore
my dad asks me why I don't hang out with my friends anymore
I tell him I have homework
truth is I don't like pretending anymore
Alone is what I have
Alone protects me

i give up

this is starting to collect dust

even if I don't know if angels exist and heaven is real I still need to tell you something

I miss you, a lot, it hurts so bad right now, but I keep smiling because I know you loved my smile.

Some nights I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about you and my head becomes a real mess

just like this night

I am always wondering how the day would have been if you where alive.

Anyway, I just want you to know that sometimes if I cry, even if I am sad or mad at everyone

Don't worry

I am still happy because life goes on even without you by my side

this isn't the end of our story

it's just a long break

I love you

don't forget it

or me

Buried in the snow

I hate you sometimes
I hate you for leaving me with him after you promised you wouldn't
I hate how you didn't want to leave but it was beyond your control
I hate that I couldn't see you that one last time
I hate how I still hear my brother telling me that you had gone and I feel guilty for falling asleep
I hate how cold it was because I wanted to be warm but my heart was broken and I had never so cold
I hate the emptiness I feel and how quite the house is now
I hate how everyone seems to have forgotten you and I still cry about it every night

I hate how much I love you and how much I want to see you 

I hate how the only thing keeping me from you is me 

I hate you sometimes but most of the time I don't

I love you and it makes my heart bleed and it hasn't stopped for two years. 

Star Bright

I don't know why I'm here again

wishing on you

you've never worked before and I've almost given up hope on you

but I don't know where else to turn

Star Bright star light first star I see tonight I wish I may I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight

It's been a while and I've grown up

but I need your help

give me this one wish

one time

I won't bother you ever again

I promise

please

just this one 

tiny

unimportant wish

Once they all believed in dragons

Once they all believed in dragons

When the world was fresh and new

We were woven into legends 

Tales were told songs were sung

We were treated with abeyance
We were honored
We were feared

Then one day they stopped believing
On that day we disappeared
Now they say our time is over
Now they say we've lived our last
Now we're treated with derision where once we ruled unsurpassed
We must Make them remember
In some way we must reveal that our spirit lives forever
  
WE ARE DRAGONS
WE ARE REAL-Jack Prelutsky