You call this love?

I've made up so many excuses for you and I've tried to pretend that you were just going through a rough time and maybe that's why you treated me like that. 

I thought that if I put up with you that it would all go away because in the end love conquers all. 

But there was a line and you crossed that  10 miles ago. 

I hate to think about every second I would waste crying in the mirror wishing I was pretty enough and thin enough for you to love me

And you know what I never will be.

I'm not that girl that you're going to marry and I'll spend everyday cooking and cleaning for you. 

I'm not going to wear the clothes that you think I'd look best in and I'm not sorry that my stomach isn't flat and my makeup isn't done right. 

I'm done wasting my affection on someone who is in love with the idea of who I could be. 

"My atoms feel
weirdly disorganized.”
And dust is falling. 
I think if dust touched me
I would 
become nuclear
and destroy. 
The world is harsh today. 
I am dry kindling, 
and outside it is a fire.
My hands are buzzing
between themselves,
having little conversations
that my ears
cannot pick up on. 
They do not feel like my own.

There is still the stairwell. 
There are still robins
that tarry at the edges of puddles.
There is still the light, 
and dust falls through the light,
and dust does not touch me,
and dust does not become me.
I am walking with the world,
and somehow I am not burning. 
My blood has taken to whispering.
The wind has taken to sighing,
combing its hair, creating currents.
The sky says “Calm down. 
Your atoms will fall 
into place again. 
The state of your heart changes
from storm to stillness. 
You must remember this.”

I breathe, 
and it feels like I am breathing. 
The hoarse voice of memory
murmurs now. 
I breathe, 
and it feels like I am breathing. 
My fingertips touch 
and it feels like they are kissing. 
I may be kindling, 
but somehow I am not burning.

hope

It will not stay
This way
Forever
And these words
Are nothing
But a cliché
That’s been said
A few too many times
Irrelevant and overworked.
It will not stay 
This way
Forever
But for now
I am writhing in the
Agony of existence
And nobody knows
How very non-
Melodramatic 
I am being. 
The real truth is
I don’t care about
Forever
When I can barely cope 
With Now.
But I’m trying
I’m always trying 
And Oh God
I pray
It will not stay
This way
Forever.

Twist and shout

shakes at diners

record players

noodles with butter

bike races 

the empty lot behind my apartment

numbers on T.v

airports

gunfire

so much blood

my picture hidden

you came home

but you were still stuck over there

you left me

but I still care

our hearts beat as one

the ghost of you stood by my side

as the darkness tried to consume me

Your voice rang through

my

mind

your strength became mine

because of you 

I made it back to 

 the 

light

Hush Child

I know a place of fantasy

where the moon and the stars all dance

but now it rains no more

beyond repair its corrupted

by blood

malice

and gore

(Re)

I lay awake at night rethinking every moment we shared

our permanent farewell is replaying in my mind

and I'm remembering 

and rewriting 

and re- re- redoing the last few moments I had with you